Habi Hour S3 Episode 7: Learning to Date Intentionally

Overview

18 February 2022 | 19 min and 47s

Learning experiences are everywhere—even dates can be an LX we design! In this Valentines’ Week episode of Habi Hour, let’s listen to what LXDs learned about sparking a new relationship (or keeping it alive!) in the midst of a pandemic.

Transcript

Opening

MUSIC: Romantic music

Kaye: Hello! I’m Kaye, and I am in a relationship. Ngayon 2022, it would have been 3 years.

Lacey: Hi! Ako si Lacey, suki ng mga dating apps. [laughs] Currently single. Meron akong kausap ngayon simula last year. I guess I’m in the talking stage.

Chess: Hello! Ako si Chess, and I am single.

Jovi: Hi! Ako si Jovi. Relationship status: Dating this pandemic.

Thessa: Hi! I am Thessa, married for almost 3 years.

Amiel (voice over): Hi! Kumusta? Ako si Amiel, isang Learning Experience Designer ng Habi. 🎵Love is in the air🎵  dahil sa nagdaang Valentine’s day. Binanggit ko ito dahil sa episode ng Habi Hour natin ngayon, pag-uusapan natin kung ano ang hitsura ng ligawan, pakikipagrelasyon, at pakikipagkilala sa gitna ng pandemya. Dahil wala pa akong masyadong experience sa mga ganyang bagay-bagay, inanyayahan ko ang mga kapwa ko LXD na magkuwento o magbahagi ng kanikanilang mga karanasan ng pagdidisenyo ng pakikipag-date. Oo, hindi lang learning experiences ang dine-design namin, pati na rin dating experiences. Tara! Pakinggan natin sila. 

MUSIC: [Habi Hour Intro]

MUSIC: [Romantic violin music]

Amiel (voice over): For most people, especially in our culture, dating is a crucial step in building a romantic relationship with someone. When we imagine people going on dates, we typically think of couples watching movies, eating fancy dinners, taking walks in parks at sunset while holding hands, minsan pa-sway-sway pa, or simply hanging out. Basically, we imagine people spending time together. Pero ngayon, ibang iba na ang pakikipag-date dahil sa kabi-kabilang lock down, travel bans, o pabago-bagong Alert Levels. Karamihan ng mga kadalasang pinupuntahan ng mga magjowa para magdate, sarado pa o sarado na.  Hmmm… Naaalala pa kaya ng mga tao kung paano makipag-date bago ang pandemic? Heto’t nagbaliktanaw ang mga Habi LXD.

[Tape Rewind sound effects]

Dating pre-pandemic

Kaye: We would go out once a week, once every two weeks. Usually kakain sa restaurants, or we’ll get drinks, or we’ll play board games with friends. Tapos, if we wanted to save money we would stay in sa condo niya, and then we’ll watch a movie and order in, tapos magbo-board games ulit kami. 

Lacey: Laging nasa labas. Nanunuod ng movie. Nagda-dine out. Nagta-try ng iba’t ibang food at food places. Pumupunta sa nature trips. Nagpi-picnic. Day tour, overnight. Minsan may camping, staycation, o out of town.

Chess: Face-to-face ’yung magkasama atsaka nagkikita kayo. Something with an activity so that you get to do things together. See each other’s personalities shine.

Jovi: Being able to physically spend time with each other outside our houses.

Thessa: Gustung-gusto namin mag-buffet o kaya eat all you can lalo na ’yung nauso ang Samgyup kasi masaya ang Long hours of kuwentuhan habang kumakain.

Amiel (voice over): As humans, it is important that we see people in person when we are trying to interact with them. It is natural for us to feel the connection through their actions, how they talk, how they laugh, see their vulnerabilities, or in general, how they interact with other people. Witnessing these help build deeper connections with the person we are dating or with the person we choose to invest our time on.

Pero ngayong pandemic, gaano nga ba kalaki ang mga adjustment na ginagawa natin para bumuo ng mga ganito kalalim na koneksyon?

[light guitar strums]

What changed?

Jovi: Mostly naging online na talaga ang encounters with people whether social media or dating app. Dating would be largely online.

Thessa: Hindi na kami nakakapag-dine out. In fact, since March 2020, dalawang beses pa lang kami kumain sa labas. And since food is the main element of our dates and we don’t like cooking, we avail of food delivery services.

Kaye: He is a doctor. He started his residency in a hospital in 2020. So, hindi siya frontliner in the sense that he would handle COVID patients talaga, but he is really exposed. So we really had to minimize risks, especially n’ung hindi pa kami vaccinated, because my parents are seniors and I live with my younger sisters. So n’ung hindi pa kami vaccinated, bihira lang kami magkita face-to-face. And then kapag nagkikita kami we really try to minimize exposure, so talagang naka-mask kami, sa labas lang kami, may physical distancing. 

Lacey: Siyempre naging mas naging cautious ang mga tao. Kahit nagva-vibe na kayo, ang saya na ng conversation ninyo sa chat, hindi kayo makapagkita agad kasi nga may risk na lumabas. Baka mahawa ka ng COVID. 

Thessa: ’Yung feeling na maraming restrictions or very limited ang choices namin. Since ang idea namin is dining out and we prefer not to do it anymore, nandito lang talaga kami sa bahay. Minsan nauubusan na kami ng hahanapan ng pagkain or magche-change kami ng preference.

Amiel (voice over): Malaki talaga ang epekto ng pandemic sa pakikipag-date ng mga kapwa ko LXD! Pero tulad ng ibang ring mahahalagang gawain sa buhay nila, nagawan ito ng paraan. Ni-redesign ang dating para mapaganang muli. Pakinggan natin sila para sa ilang tips.

[light guitar strums]

Designing the dating experience this pandemic

Lacey: Begin with the end in mind. So kung ang end mo ay mag-spend more time with this person, or makilala pa siya, or maging solid friend s’ya, ide-design mo na parang laging may kaabang-abang ’yung susunod na date ninyo. Ide-design mo siya based sa interest ninyong dalawa, sa kung saan kayo nag-e-enjoy, sa ano ang mga activities ang nais ninyong gawin.

Mayroon siyang element ng give and take between sa’yo and ka-date mo, atsaka ’yung respect siyempre of each other needs.

Chess: Starting with an intention. Kunwari, it’s the first date, ano ba ’yung intention ko with this date. To get to know the person? ipakilala rin sarili ko? And that also influence ’yung activity that I will suggest or recommend.

Other than the intention, mas specific na rin ang pagpili ng medium or channel for interaction especially for online dates. Kung video call ba ang gagamiting natin or online call, because it also influences or has an impact on the interaction. Kunwari, kung video call, kita mo ’yung person and kita mo rin yung reaction, pero still considering ’yung ating bandwidth and internet capacity.

Kaye: Respecting each others’ boundaries. May partner is more extroverted than I am. Mas naghahanap siya ng new experiences, mas gusto niyang lumabas, versus me na medyo home buddy ako. I do like going out once in a while pero hindi big issue for me to stay in or to do more or less the same things over and over. I really appreciated that even when people started to go out more, nirespeto ni Vino ang boundary ko.

Thessa: We make sure that we both enjoy the food that we will share. Ano ba ang gusto namin pareho? Another is, we try to replicate ang mga dining experience sa mga restaurants, like halimbawa may music, and we make sure that it is a delightful experience pa rin. And as much as possible ayaw namin na feeling rushed, na nagmamadali kaming kumain, so we take time sharing meals. So naka-carve out talaga kami ng oras for our dates.

Applying what we do in Habi to dating

Amiel (voice over): If you think about it, dating is just like a two-way learning experience between two people. And as with any learning experiences, puwedeng puwedeng gamitan ng ilang ideas, design principles, at frameworks ng Habi to make it well-designed. Let us show you how:

Chess Makatao, ’yung human which one of the design principles in Habi. Kasi especially in online dates, mediated by technology. May screen in between us, tapos mayroon pang distance. So might we keep the interactions very human. Madalas sina-suggest ko video call talaga, or voice call, or call over text. Kasi kapag text, hindi mo naririnig ang boses. I also found myself sending a lot voice messages kapag mahaba ang kuwento, pero asynchronously, ganyan. Tapos natutuwa rin sila actually. Naa-appreciate n’ung person because it’s very different when you hear the person’s voice versus reading a long text message na nagkekuwento ka. Keeping it human. Makatao, ’yun.

Lacey: Ginagamit ko ang H.A.B.I framework natin: ’yung Himayin, Ambagan, Bumuo, Ipakita

Magisismula ka sa Himayin. Aalamin mo kung ano ang gusto ng kadate mo. So nangyayari yun usually sa conversations, sa chat, or voicecall or videocall. Napaguusapan ninyo ang mga bagay na gusto ninyong gawin. For example gusto niya pala ng movies na ang genre ay action, gusto pala n’ya ng mga musical theater play. Tapos mayroon na kayo pagkakakilanlan ng mga interests ng isa’t isa.

Tapos Ambagan na, mag-aambag na parang, “Uy, oo nga gusto ko yung ganyang genre. Ito ang example na puwede kong i-recommend na movie para diyan. Ito ang example na food na gusto kong iluto. Para kayong nagbe-brainstorm talaga.

Tapos Bumuo, doon na kayo bubuo. Ipa-plan ninyo na kung kailan ninyo papanuorin ang movie, kailan kayo magluluto.

Nanuod kami ng show, ’yung “Chef” na movie. May aglio olio pasta doon, niluto namin ’yun, version ko, version niya. Tapos pinicturan namin at ipinakita sa isa’t isa. Actually pinost namin sa mga social media namin. Ayon na yun yung Ipakita, pinost namin sa mga social media namin at nagbigay kami ng feedback sa isa’t-isa.

[light guitar strums]

Emphasizing the important elements of dating

Jovi: And ayun sa online dating andun pa rin yung essential element ng quality time, conversation, and having a shared experience, pero wala lang yung physical contact. I think there’s an improvement pa nga when it comes to communication kasi nakatutok ka lang eh, you aren’t distracted by other people like if you were outside.

Hopefully soon it will be less risky to go out, but I think yung essential components of dating is 1) getting to know a person and spending time to get to know them by bonding through a shared experience, and hindi yun mawawala whether you’re dating online or face to face, its just being intentional about it

I think if you’re building a relationship na naka-anchor talaga sa communication and being communicative because that’s all you have, that just makes it a lot more stable.  I think especially when you commit to the relationship na.

Chess: May expectation ako na it’s not going to be as fun as face-to-face interaction pa rin and dates. ’Yung movie intentional pa rin ang pagpili, something that we both interested in. We decided to keep our voices on, ‘yung hindi kami naka-unmute so that we hear each others’ reaction to the film as it happens. In that moment may time doon na feeling ko magkasama lang kami kasi naririnig mo ’yung reaction ng person, kung kailan siya tatawa, kailan siya sisigaw and stuff. And after n’on we also had a moment to parang debrief from the film and exchange thoughts about it. That was a basag moment na kahit, you are still able to keep that humanness and connection. It’s possible especially if we both people or parties are willing to listen and be present in that online space.

Kaye: I needed to come to terms with the fact that my partner would not be as available as he was before he started his residency, and that the very few moments that we had together were moments he would choose to hangout with me or catching up on sleep or doing his paper work. So kahit mahirap, may drive ako to stay present and maximize those moments that we have together, it is not always easy. I mean, it’s a working progress.

Lacey: Natutunan kong maging extra patient. Kasi ako yung tipo ng tao, kung gusto ko ang isang tao gusto ko siya makita agad. Gusto ko mag-spend ng time physically  with that person pero dahil may restrictions, siyempre hindi kayo makakapagkita agad face-to-face tapos may certain comfort level sa paglabas.

But you know what, patience pays. And alam mo ’yung the right time, totoo siya.

Lacey: Innate likeness natin na makipag-connect sa ibang tao. May ganoon tayo eh. Mayroon tayong likeness to meet new people. At the same time, ’yung way natin makipag-communicate ay naging mas intentional. Mas pinakikinggan mo ang tao, kasi may barrier na nasa online tayo, kailan pa tayo magkikita physically, may intentionally in communicating your interest, your wants, your needs.

Chess: To be authentically you. Yes, to be who you are, because it is really such a gift to be able to be you, your person and share it with another person. And the second one is the power of listening, something that is also a gift to ourselves and also the people that we are interacting with and getting to know through the dating process and stage.

Closing and Synthesis

MUSIC: [Upbeat romantic music]

Amiel (voice over): Well-designed dating experiences can vary, and it is totally different for different people. Like love, dating moves in mysterious ways and we believe in the magic of it. It has a foundation that supports the whole experience. 

Connected with the Habi Hour’s theme this season, Learning from Change, this current situation leads us not only to adjustments but also enlightens us to what’s important regardless of what platform or medium is available when dating and it is nice to remember that dating is about:

1. Quality time. Dating is about spending time with someone either physically or remotely. Quality time helps us to know the person because it gives us not only a chance to talk with the person but also to learn new things about them.
2. Shared experience. Doing the same thing that you enjoy together builds trust and provides an opportunity to deepen the social connection. It cements the relationships together.
3. Respect. It is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. It sets boundaries and makes us feel more comfortable that we do not feel the pressure to do the things we do not want to do.
4. Being Authentic or Being who you are. Not only in dating, but being who you are, being authentic is something that we give to ourselves. It is a kind of self-love, and it is not about being selfish but it is saying that we value ourselves and we are ready to introduce ourselves to the person. Just as you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself, you cannot be true to anyone else until you are true to yourself.

Muli, ako si Amiel and I hope may nakuha kayong makatutulong sa dating journey ninyo! Hanggang sa susunod na episode!

Gerson (voice over): This episode was written, edited, and produced by Habi Education Lab. Original theme music by Howard Luistro. For more Habi Hour episodes, follow us on Spotify, Anchor, Google Podcasts, or visit https://habieducationlab.org/habihour. Salamat sa pakikinig. Thanks for listening.